I really feel the need to whine, vent and complain about things right now. I know that whining doesn't change anything, but shouting my problems out into the void of the internet seems like a better option than keeping it all bottled up and having a breakdown. So if bitching on LJ is a turnoff for you, feel free to skim over this.
I've missed probably 8 different class sessions in the past two weeks, maybe more. Mostly it's due to low stamina...it's gotten so bad recently that I can't even take a shower because I can't stand up that long...let alone walk to class in the morning, which is over a mile. The pain also plays a huge role in that, not that anyone actually seems to care that it FUCKING HURTS just to walk up the stairs in the lecture hall.
I'm tiring of people giving me "that look" when I tell them I won't be in class, or ask them to come by so I can copy notes. You are not me; you have probably never experienced anything like this, so stop looking down on me, dammit! What? Do you think I'm throwing a fucking party when I miss class or something?! No! I'm sitting on my couch, probably crying because it hurts to much to get up! I'm eating soup for the umpteenth fucking time because I don't even have the energy to walk to the dining center for dinner! So until you've been in my shoes, known what I've been through, you can just shut your fucking pie hole.
It doesn't help that I am now walking with a cane. And no, it's not a cool-looking cane. It's not a Lucius Malfoy pimp stick thing. It's one of those adjustable things with the rubbed stopper on the end. They tried to give me crutches and things before (like the ones with the arm band), but I refused to carry them. Now I'm to a point where I regularly have 3-4 days a week where I can barely put weight on one or both of my legs, either due to joint problems or muscle pain. And I hate it... I hate the looks people give me. Before when they stared at me, I knew it was because I was funny-looking, a crazy goth, or a dork. Now when they stare, they look away...they're ashamed to look at me because they feel sorry for me. (Of course, not sorry enough to offer to carry my bag or hold a door open.) I hate it becaue I don't like being looked upon as pathetic; it's a tad vain, but I don't like being so unenviable... I feel like no matter how well put-together I am, people will react badly. "Oh, her hair looks cute and she has a nice figure...too bad she limps."
Yeah, like I really needed something else to make me stick out. There are already plenty of people around here who don't wish to associate with me because I'm not in a sorority, I'm not 5'10" with bleach-blonde hair and Ugg boots, or because I'm a dirty libertarian atheist with no morals, or because I'm a feminist, or because I like dorky fandom things, or because I take care of a snake, or a variety of other ridiculous reasons that I'm sure I can't even begin to fathom. I really didn't need one more thing that screams "I'm not one of you and I don't belong here."
I'm sure it's great to have friends that bring you food when you're not feeling well, or someone who would help you wash your hair if you couldn't stand up, or someone who would help you down from your bed loft because you can't do it by yourself. But I don't have anyone to do that for me. So I miss classes. I don't eat. I fall behind in my work. My hair is dirty and I walk around with no makeup on. I sit here in sweatpants and the t-shirt I slept in because it hurts too much to change my own clothes.
This is what I deal with every single fucking week, and no one gives half a shit so long as I can still show up to lecture on time and sit in my seat while Dr. Whatshisnuts drones on about flagella and proton pumps or whatever the fuck. And you know what? I don't care about proton pumps. I don't care about microbiology. In fact, I'm having a hard time caring about any of my classes at all.
And I don't see why that makes me a bad person. I'm not unintelligent. I'm not even a bad student. I genuinely like learning things and up until very recently, I was even going to become a public health specialist so I could look out for others. But I have a hard time focusing on mental enrichment with I can barely meet basic physical needs. I just want to be able to rest, relax, and get better...I want to be someplace where there is someone to take care of me on my worst days and not be all by myself in a cramped little room.
This whole thing just makes me...sad. I don't know. I don't think that "sad" is really an adequate way to describe it, but it's the best I have. I'm disappointed at how much my well-being is dependent upon others, and disappointed in myself that I so dismally fail at meeting others expectations of me because of my health.
TL;DR Stupid worthless fucking body. I wish someone would hurry up and advance technology far enough that I could just replace everything from the neck down with robot parts.
- Bitching. Feel free to skim.