So, last weekend it finally happened. I finally cut myself off from my father.
It's been a long time coming, honestly. Frankly, I'm surprized it didn't happen sooner. For years, he's been threatening to "cut me off"--basically for nothing. He would threaten to disown me over the most minor disagreements, and even years before that, he was a verbal, physical, and mental bully. Our relationship is toxic, and I knew that eventually something would have to give.
I suppose like most things, it was a "straw the broke the camel's back" scenario. I traveled back to Wichita for a visit, and when I returned from going for coffee with a friend that evening, I discovered he had been using the family tracking software to see where I'd been going (for the record, I am 22; I am well-aware of the good uses of this feature, like finding missing persons, but for fucks sake, I'm not some teenager who's violated curfew, and a definitely do not condone its use for enforcing such a thing. I think it speaks volumes about his paranoia, lack of trust, and poor communication skills that he uses it as such).
Right now I'm willing to admit that I lost my temper and probably could have handled the situation more calmly. But you have to understand, I've been putting up with bullshit like this for as long as I can remember, and something about that night just really got under my skin. Anyway, I stomped downstairs (in a towel with clay all over my face, because that's how I was at the time I found out), ripped the battery out of my phone, threw it on the floor, and told him to "find someone else to spy on. I'm done."
My mother stuck up for me, thankfully. Although as much as she claims she doesn't like his abusive behavior and thinks the way he treats me is awful, she rarely does anything about it directly. I went back to my house (about a mile away), and after about an hour, (surprise, surprise) she joined me. Came with a duffel bag full of her things and told me she was so upset that she wanted to stay the night at my place. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I'll be damned if it's the last.
I paced around all night, contemplating what to do. By the time I drove back to Manhattan the next day, I had pretty much decided that it was about time I put some distance between myself and my father, both figuratively and literally. So, I went down to the financial counseling office to find out what it would take to procure a student loan (because the #1 thing he threatens me with is refusal to pay for school), enough to pay for housing, tuition, food, and books. I then bought a pre-paid cell phone. The rest, I figure, will work itself out as I go along.
All in all...yeah, it's scary as hell thinking that I might be on my own from now on. But the fact that he has no more control over me feels so damn good, I just can't bring myself to give a flying fuck about the hardships.
I'm trying to look on the bright side: I'll only have to pay for a few more semesters. I'm probably going to have a seriously awesome summer job with the bio department. Next year I'll be applying for grad school, which will probably pay for itself anyway. I still have awesome friends, amazing sisters, and I live in a great place. Yeah, sure, I wish my relationship with my father were "normal"... but it isn't.
And that's okay. I just need to keep on doing my thing. Fuck the haters, I say.
- Cut off.