Die Quarantäne

Deadly force will be used to protect this area.

(no subject)
I am getting weird spam messages in the comments on some of my old entries. Apparently I can save big on generic prescription drugs from Canada and natural male enhancement drugs.

To whomever is submitting my username to these ad lists: you should be ashamed of yourself. You know that I am very sensitive about my small penis and it is terribly mean of you to tease me like that.  

Cut off.
Cootie Masks
So, last weekend it finally happened. I finally cut myself off from my father.

   It's been a long time coming, honestly. Frankly, I'm surprized it didn't happen sooner. For years, he's been threatening to "cut me off"--basically for nothing. He would threaten to disown me over the most minor disagreements, and even years before that, he was a verbal, physical, and mental bully. Our relationship is toxic, and I knew that eventually something would have to give.

  I suppose like most things, it was a "straw the broke the camel's back" scenario. I traveled back to Wichita for a visit, and when I returned from going for coffee with a friend that evening, I discovered he had been using the family tracking software to see where I'd been going (for the record, I am 22; I am well-aware of the good uses of this feature, like finding missing persons, but for fucks sake, I'm not some teenager who's violated curfew, and a definitely do not condone its use for enforcing such a thing. I think it speaks volumes about his paranoia, lack of trust, and poor communication skills that he uses it as such).

   Right now I'm willing to admit that I lost my temper and probably could have handled the situation more calmly. But you have to understand, I've been putting up with bullshit like this for as long as I can remember, and something about that night just really got under my skin. Anyway, I stomped downstairs (in a towel with clay all over my face, because that's how I was at the time I found out), ripped the battery out of my phone, threw it on the floor, and told him to "find someone else to spy on. I'm done."

   My mother stuck up for me, thankfully. Although as much as she claims she doesn't like his abusive behavior and thinks the way he treats me is awful, she rarely does anything about it directly. I went back to my house (about a mile away), and after about an hour, (surprise, surprise) she joined me. Came with a duffel bag full of her things and told me she was so upset that she wanted to stay the night at my place. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I'll be damned if it's the last.

   I paced around all night, contemplating what to do. By the time I drove back to Manhattan the next day, I had pretty much decided that it was about time I put some distance between myself and my father, both figuratively and literally. So, I went down to the financial counseling office to find out what it would take to procure a student loan (because the #1 thing he threatens me with is refusal to pay for school), enough to pay for housing, tuition, food, and books. I then bought a pre-paid cell phone. The rest, I figure, will work itself out as I go along.

   All in all...yeah, it's scary as hell thinking that I might be on my own from now on. But the fact that he has no more control over me feels so damn good, I just can't bring myself to give a flying fuck about the hardships.

   I'm trying to look on the bright side: I'll only have to pay for a few more semesters. I'm probably going to have a seriously awesome summer job with the bio department. Next year I'll be applying for grad school, which will probably pay for itself anyway. I still have awesome friends, amazing sisters, and I live in a great place. Yeah, sure, I wish my relationship with my father were "normal"... but it isn't.
And that's okay. I just need to keep on doing my thing. Fuck the haters, I say.

An entry long overdue.

  Oh lordy, what am I even supposed to say?
  •  I'm still in college. I'm not sure if that statement was meant to mean, "Yes, I haven't dropped out yet, actually" or "Oh my god, it's been so long and I'm still here, why haven't I graduated yet?" Probably some combination of the two.
  • I changed my major. I suppose that shouldn't come as much of a shock--especially considering the previous bullet point. As an addendum, I've changed it about three times on paper (and even more in my head). But in the end, I'm right back where I started: microbiology, with an emphasis in infectious diseases. And as an added bonus, it tacked another two years onto my estimated graduation date (probably May 2013).
  • I'm still struggling with major depressive disorder, more than I'd like to say. That's honestly probably why I stopped posting/writing/drawing. I'm tired of wringing my hands, making excuses. I just have depression. If you have it, you probably understand. I don't want to make promises to finish things. It's taken me this long just to admit how bad it is. Baby steps, they say.
  • The baby python I adopted in December of 2009 is now two feet long.
  • Since I last posted, I've had two terrible roommates, one cross-state move, one horribly awkward relationship, two friendships ruined, one stalker, and one new car. Thankfully, my personal life has calmed down since the move (and returning to school), and the curse of Someone Hitting My New Car Every Month seems to have subsided (for now).
  • I joined a sorority. As in, the US Greek system of social clubs. I know, I'm mad. (And no, I regrettably can't tell you which one, seeing as that would lead them to this journal. However, I will say that our house colors are of particular significance to me and my favorite fandom.)
  • I haven't drawn on written anything in over a year. I've been itching to lately, especially with this being NaNoWriMo, but I've avoided doing so thus far because I fear the shame/disappointment of it being awful/never finishing.
  • Today, I built a digital clock.
  So that's been my life. How have you all been?

Toads. Yes, toads.
So I'm developing an unhealthy attachment to toads.

Yes, toads. My unreasonable attachment to cold-blooded animals used to be confined to just things without legs.

Then recently, a family of toads moved into my yard. And by a family of toads I mean about a hundred of them, including little baby toads that are about an inch long and make my brain shrivel with their cuteness.

And around 10:00 p.m. each night, they all go hopping around the drive way, and into the street.

And I get very, very worried. Why am I worried about toads? I have no idea. But I'm absolutely terrified that someone is going to run one over, or that the neighbor's horrid little dog will eat one of them, or that one will hop into my garage and die. I found a dead on already by my stairs, that presumably died from heat/lack of water.

So I spent about an hour last night trying to lure one from out under the stairs so it wouldn't meet the same fate, and then was really concerned that I might have hurt it trying to carry it outside, etc.

So, yes. I've found new reptiles to dote upon. About a hundred of them. I'm sure this worry stems from the fact that I live alone and therefore treat anything that shows sentience like it's a human being.

Someone needs to stop me before I start naming them and bringing them into the house and having deep conversations with them. But--just--AWWWW OMG, CUTE BABY REPTILES.

Wait, what? Oh, it's this LiveJournal thing! I forgot I had one.
Make Tea Not Love
I am sorry I disappeared into the magic internet abyss. You know, college and stuff. And trying not to die. And vanquishing my enemies with my fists of fury, and things of that nature.

No, actually, I've just been busy with real life. A casual observer of my (so-called) social life might argue otherwise, but I've actually been trying to pay more attention to important adult-typed thing lately, like real actual relationships with non-fictional people, and feeding myself, and bathing, and doing laundry more than once every two months. It's a work in progress.

I'm working on reorganizing my art and writing (because it's not like I've never said that before, right?) I have no idea what I'm doing still, and I'm not sure that I'll ever know. I tried to make myself improve by forcing myself to sketch things, but I wasn't really getting anywhere with it since I wasn't very interested in the subject(s). So I guess I'm okay with my art and writing being a mish-mosh of sci-fi and fantasy and abstract and fandom things. For now. I know that eventually I will have to "grow up" as an artist (and as a writer) and work on "serious" things. But not now. People who refuse to wear pants for more than four hours at a time don't get to be adults.

Also, I am looking for a new beta reader. Or maybe multiple beta readers, depending on how many victims volunteers I get. I need someone to work with me on the rest of Plague and Pestilence, remind me to work on it, bounce ideas back and forth, keep my ass on track, etc... (but it would be even more ideal if I could find someone who would read bits of my original fiction as well to give me feedback!) Also, you must be okay with physically threatening me with violence to get me to work on things. Seriously, you must motivate me with fear.

So what have you all been up to in my absence?

More crap. PHHHLBPT!
This is the first day I've had all week where I have not felt like Barry Bonds whacked me with an aluminum bat while I slept. It seems like whatever it is that causes these, uhh..."flareups" (sorry, I'm not sure if that's the medically appropriate term) occurs in my sleep, so I've been increasingly reluctant to continue regulating my schedule with vitamins (melatonin and theanine, as it were). I had no idea how messed up my sleep is without it... earlier this week I could not fall asleep until 9:30 in the morning, and didn't wake up until after dinner. Ugh... and now I'm afraid of starting them again because I don't want to feel (even more) tired and shitty when I have to wake up in the morning!

I feel like this is some sort of karmatic revenge, like because last weekend was so unbelieveably awesome, this week is somehow required to be miserible and crappy. Maybe I'll call the Rhematologist's office again tomorrow (today?) and channel some of my anger into trying to schedule an earlier appointment.

Oh my god I am so glad that I was kicked out of pre-medical, because I'm very quickly beginning to loathe doctors.

(no subject)
Found out what's wrong with me (or so the doctor tells my family). They think I have fibromyalgia, but it may be more than a year until I can get into a doctor who can give me an "official" confirmation. I have no idea what that means since he also told me there's no actual test, so it's more like, "This is what you have, but I'm not actually qualified to tell you that you have it, so you have to go see this rheumatologist guy..."

*sigh* ...

More info when I feel less like crawling in a hole in the ground to die. This week has not been a good one at all as far as pain goes.

Tegaki E!

Out of boredom and a desire to see what all the fuss is about, I got a Tegaki E art blog. I have no idea if these things are even popular anymore, and I'm pretty sure I might have started one at some point in time and forgot about it, so... someone poke me occasionally and remind me to sketch things in it. So far all I've managed is a half-ass sketch of a anglerfish, so uhh...there you go?

I think I only known a couple of artists from my flist who have them, so if you have one that you've been hiding from me, drop me a comment! I'd love to add you.

(no subject)
  Today wasn't a total bust. I woke up at 4:40 in the afternoon to an absolutely beautiful sunset; it's one of the good things about living in this isolated part of the country. So I opened my window and watched it while I ate some vegetable soup my RA pilfered from the kitchen for me. So all and all, a pretty good day. I was even able to rig up a pillow-thing for the back of my chair so I can sit at my desk instead of lying in bed for awhile.

  Gotta be thankful for the small things, right?

Bitching. Feel free to skim.
Cootie Masks
  I really feel the need to whine, vent and complain about things right now. I know that whining doesn't change anything, but shouting my problems out into the void of the internet seems like a better option than keeping it all bottled up and having a breakdown. So if bitching on LJ is a turnoff for you, feel free to skim over this.


  TL;DR Stupid worthless fucking body. I wish someone would hurry up and advance technology far enough that I could just replace everything from the neck down with robot parts.


Log in

No account? Create an account